Did you know I was once more than $70,000 in credit card debt? It’s true. And I was once so shut down in shame about that that I wouldn’t have DARED to tell anyone about it.
I honestly thought I’d never get out of it, and that I would probably have to go bankrupt one day, or just be paying it off forever and never get out from under it, like a dark cloud that would be with me all of my days.
But now here I am telling you freely about it, with no shame at all. So if you’re currently sitting with debt, I hope this gives you some hope and permission to stop beating yourself up about it.
Today I view debt in a very different way. Today I view debt as a miracle, and a gift of great proportions. Because it was the way I expanded my capacity to receive, and leaned into the life I secretly wanted to grow into, but just couldn’t see how to at the time. But let me back up for a minute…
So my coming out of debt story is that one day after many years I just sort of snapped, and had finally had enough of the crushing weight and worry of it, and I committed to paying it all off. I didn’t know HOW on earth I was going to do that in a way that wouldn’t take FOREVER, or take ALL my extra money, or severely cramp my lifestyle, I didn’t know the way, but I just committed to my vision of it, and wrote down my sincere intention that I wanted to be debt free.
When I did that, the universe seemed to rearrange itself to support me in that effort, one little breadcrumb at a time, and within a little over 2 years every penny of that debt was paid off. The ways and the how’s showed up as soon as I asked and committed. Some of the things were practical things I did of course, but some were miracles like more work coming in and better paying jobs coming in, or 0% interest card transfer approvals coming in, to pay off the balances without interest.
But my story doesn’t stop there… because when I first paid it off I was actually still ashamed. I was proud of myself for having paid it off and having a then excellent credit score, but I was still ashamed of myself for having done it in the first place, and I made damn sure to never have a penny of debt ever again. I paid any and all credit card purchases off in full every month and wouldn’t even so much as do payment plans on things anymore for YEARS.
But then the day came when I needed to do that, because I needed to grow, to invest in tools and learning and/or support for myself so I could expand into my next level, so I had to re-visit that debt shame wound all over again. To heal it from the INSIDE this time, and not just on the outside, like I had done before.
And this time when I re-visited it, I saw it in a whole new light. I saw that that $70,000 was spent living into a life I knew I was capable of and wanted, and that that money was generously entrusted to me by the bank credit card companies, and how grateful I was for that gift of not just the life I was leaning into, but the expanded capacity I then had to manifest more money than ever before to pay that money back!
How I grew my capacity by first just paying minimums, and then by figuring out how I could pay the maximum. How that debt provided so many things, so many experiences in my life, and/or just the feeling of being cared for around unexpected expenses and having money at my disposal I wouldn’t have otherwise had when we were young parents raising a baby and doing our best to get by.
That debt was there for me like a friend, loving and supporting me in everything I needed from basics for our family, to some things purely for pleasure that I knew I desired more of in my life, but didn’t know how else to get for myself at that time. It was all buying me this life I had yet only dreamed of being able to have without its help.
Debt was there for me… until I could be there for IT.
And there for it, I was. I was grateful for that money, and I paid every cent of it back with great gratitude. I would even say thank you to the money and the company each time I sent the bills. I chose to view it as a gift, and a gift is what it became. (side note: if you are getting triggered because you have a bankruptcy or debt you could not repay, keep reading, I’ve got help for you too!)
The gift of the debt was that it inspired me get to the point where I said “enough” I don’t want to carry this shame anymore, and then THAT inspired me to reach for more than I’d ever dared to reach for before, more quickly than ever before! And then THAT showed me what MAGIC and MIRACLES can happen when you truly commit to something for yourself like that, with money. And then THAT led to me making more money than I’d ever made before, and learning to manage and be a friend to my money, as it had been to me. And then THAT led me to eventually creating, writing and teaching/mentoring about money in a way that changed many more lives than just mine. And on it goes, like a continually unfolding blessing.
I realized my debt was only unkind to me when I thought it was a monster, or when I thought I WAS A MONSTER for having it. But when I released that self-violence and shame, and instead claimed what I WANTED to feel, and viewed it as a gift, it was so much easier to pay it back, and so much lighter and full of joy in the process.
So how could I now then still treat it like a monster that I defeated or something? Some horrible thing I conquered? And not like that same friend that is here to help me expand my capacity and grow into who I am becoming?
When I view it this way, I remember money is an infinite FLOW that I am part of. I honor that flow by paying it back as it was paid to me. And trusting life to provide for that, and trust MYSELF to commit to that and find a way, and ask life for guidance when I don’t know the way. When I stay with myself and stay the course, the way is always shown. Because faith + action = miracles.
For any of you who are feeling super triggered right now because you’ve had financial traumas such as bankruptcy, or have not been able to pay debts back, I invite you to take this time to finally forgive yourself, and forgive money, and forgive whomever else was involved. I invite you to know that you were doing the best you could with the circumstances, and commit to starting a fresh relationship with money, replacing shame with LOVE.
I invite you to reframe that “bad debt” as nothing more than a reflection of what you believed was possible for you at the time based on what you were seeing, hearing, absorbing and had been taught in your life and from your world at the time. I invite you to look for the gifts in that loss, however small they might be, and how that contributed to your life’s journey. Make a list of what came out of that for you. I invite you to see that that money was still a gift that you got to receive, and now you get to literally re-write your NEW relationship with money and how you want that to be moving forward. You might even want to apologize to yourself for treating yourself so badly about money, and have a conversation with money in your journal, and forgive it for not being there for you, and ask it for its forgiveness too.
Money is currency, and currency is energy, it is just a symbol of an exchange of energy, nothing more. And energy is what you ARE! You are source energy in circulation… just like money. Money loves you, it wants to be with you, because it IS YOU, at its most essential core.
But most of us have been taught to see money through a lens of scarcity, we’ve been taught to see money as an enemy, as a threat, as something scary, and more powerful than us, or like an absentee parent. And so that is how we experience it.
It’s a little like being sat down when you’re a child in front of a lush berry bush and being told, “You see these berries… these berries will give you life, they will take care of you, meet your every need and help you live, you NEED these berries to survive and you cannot survive without them!! But watch out, they are also poison and they hurt and kill people often, including us! So they might nourish you or they might kill you – you’ll never know which one! And watch out, these berries are super limited in supply so you must defend them! There’s not enough to go around so you need to protect them and yourself from others getting them!! There more berries we have the more threat there will be! And watch out, this berry bush can dry up and die at any time! Protect and eat these berries at all costs!… but only eat enough berries not to DIE or you will be punished and shamed and ruin heaven for the rest of us!”
And we wonder why we’re paralyzed and in fear and disempowered and guilty and ashamed about money??!!
Now imagine you were sat down as a child and told this instead, “You see these berries… these berries will support your life, they will take care of you, meet your every need and help you live. This berry bush is regenerative and renewable, even when this bush dies, another one is born. In fact they sprout up everywhere, all around the world, every single day. The berries and the berry bushes flourish and there’s more than enough for everyone. These berries will be here whenever you need them, they are here to support you. You don’t have to stand guard over them. They are good for you, and will nourish you and others, because as you eat the fruits, the blossoms multiply and the next harvest is even bigger for us all, the life cycle is fertilized and new ones grow far and wide.”
Imagine how your life would have been if that’s what you were taught about money? Imagine what your world would look like if you had that kind of trust since you were a child? Imagine the life that would have made manifest from that picture of reality? But it’s not too late to make that your reality! And you do that by discovering that YOU are GOOD and HERE FOR YOU too, because like I said, money is a reflection of who and what you really are… LIFE. Source energy in infinite circulation, and your limited ideas of yourself are what keep that truth from being seen.
When you tap that source, the Well never runs dry.
If you’re ready to re-write that relationship with money, and with yourself, and to know that the source of your abundance is inexhaustible, then I invite you to join me in my Feast or Famine No More Course & Membership. It will help you find your flow and keep that channel open for the rest of your days. If you’re waiting for a sign or for the right time, this is it. Your wanting of a better life and peace and plenty with money IS IT… that’s your sign.
Your heart knows the way… keep following it. ❤️💕
You got this. And this has got you. 😉