If you are anything like me, you’ve probably been avoiding ever being called anything remotely like this your entire life. And if you are anything like me, these words and the people and imagery associated with them are utterly REPELLENT (extra strength 100% DEET).
In my book, these things were pretty much the WORST things you could be. The only thing worse someone could say would be, evil murderer. But honestly, it was almost just as bad.
So I avoided these terms like the plague and avoided doing or being seen in ANY way that might cause people to think or say this about me. And since I didn’t come from money, that was really easy to do.
I was raised in a lower-middle-class family, but my grandparents on both sides, and my parents as children, were all raised in varying levels of extreme poverty. We were rich in love, but not in money. And this was a point of pride.
We had that wonderful phrase to remind us that we always had what was most important — in SPADES, and I am so grateful for that.
The trouble though, is my little child mind twisted that into a belief that I could EITHER have love or have money, but not both, and that money would RUIN love. So when I set out to radically change my money story and business income in my late 30’s (because I needed to, like a lot), I came up against a LOT of resistance in my self. (you guys, the resistance!)
As I’ve worked through that over the years, my money story HAS changed. A LOT. And that put me right square in the eye of that phrase I’d been avoiding: “spoiled, selfish, ungrateful little bitch”.
No one has said the exact words to me yet (emphasis on YET), but I’m thinking them. I’m thinking and fearing them about myself because I’m thinking and fearing that’s what people are thinking. And everything in me wants to BOLT from that possibility.
I can practically hear people seething, “gee, must be nice…” while rolling their eyes behind my back. And when you first start to feel this, as you move forward on your money journey, it is going to hurt. I’m not gonna lie, it’s going to hurt really bad.
The truth is, I don’t really know what people are thinking. But I DO know that some people will think this, or already are. But rather than fly into a flurry of justifications and defense, or proclamations of my hard work, determination, blood, sweat, and tears (because that’s just another attempt to earn back worthiness or make it “okay” to receive) …
I choose to know there is hurt on both sides, and that this is the way we humans deaden ourselves to each other, in order to AVOID FEELING SHAME.
We judge, and we put people in a box, because when we do we can then comfortably shut the box, and our sense of self remains in-tact.
The hurt that I experience when I think of people saying this about me is the hurt of being shamed. It’s the “who do you think you are?!” voice in our heads. It’s the “you don’t deserve this” voice we all wrestle with to some degree. It’s the pain of being misunderstood, of having yourself be put into a label and then have EVERY OTHER wonderful human full-tilt-beautiful-warm-and-loving part of you become totally dead to that person. As if it, and you, no longer really exist. As if you are not, still, yourself.
It’s a heartbreaker. But the same thing is happening on the other side of the equation too. And I know this because, I was there. I did it too.
I judged and deadened people with money, from my place on the other side of the tracks. I deadened their wonderful technicolor humanness and all their other wonderful qualities too. I called them “just lucky”, I said “must be nice”, I rolled my eyes and shut the box.
I didn’t think I was doing this, I didn’t do it out loud, I didn’t feel any disdain on a conscious level, but it was living somewhere deep inside me.
It made my own insecurity and shame about not having more, a lot less painful. It helped me feel better about my deeper hurt and feeling of powerlessness when it came to money and circumstance, it allowed me to temporarily feel better, and not feel the shame and hopelessness underneath that. That sinking feeling that I should have more, but never would.
But when I did that, I missed out on knowing the true multi-dimensional and technicolor “richness” of people who also happen to have money. And I missed out on knowing something different was possible for me too, if I WANTED that (and that is key because not everybody wants that, and that doesn’t make them less-than in any way!).
But I personally DID want that, I always had wanted that, so I had to OWN it.
And now, I have to own it all the way. So now I’m willing to be seen as a spoiled, selfish, rich, ungrateful bitch by some, because — I know who I am. I know my heart. My heart is good. Other people may or may not see that, but I will see it.
If you’ve been into self-development at all you’ll know that ALL parts of ourselves are vital parts of the whole of ourselves, and each one of these negative terms comes bearing great gifts when they’re accepted into the whole of our being.
So let’s take a look at that, shall we?
What are the GIFTS of being…
Spoiled? — Getting what you want and need in life, and in situations where needed and required, demanding what you need and want.
Selfish? — Having some things just for you, considering yourself as important too. Thinking that you matter too. Caring about yourself as much as others. Imagine that!
Rich? — Having choices, freedom, a chance to receive and CREATE opportunity for yourself and many many others. (you can do this without money too, but money just adds to the resources and ability)
Ungrateful? — CHANGE. when you’re ungrateful for an abusive relationship, you leave. Dissatisfaction fuels vital and necessary CHANGE. It’s okay to be ungrateful and dissatisfied in some areas, it’ll light a necessary fire (don’t worry, you’ll still be grateful for lots of other stuff! and you’ll be grateful for the change when it happens). But make sure your gratitude isn’t coming from a place that feels like crawling on your knees begging “god” for worthiness. True gratitude is your connection with the fullness of that, not your begging for worthiness OF IT.
Bitch? — Well, as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler say “Bitches get shit done.” The gift of the bitch is not caring what other people think and feel about you more than you care about yourself. The gift of the bitch is also asking for what you want and need, and not settling for less or being willing to be dismissed or written off. Do you have any idea how many bitches it took to get women the right to do more than serve roast beef in pearls? to vote? to drive? to not be sex slaves? You’re welcome.
There is such power in taking back the terms that have been used to hurt you. And not only hurt you but BOX. YOU. IN. These terms keep you afraid of yourself. And they keep you working for “the man”.
You don’t belong in a box.
If this prospect both excites and terrifies you, I get it. It scared me too! We’ve been taught to be scared…
we’ve been taught to be scared of OURSELVES.
You will not become a monster. You will not even become someone else. You will still be yourself. Totally yourself! You will just finally be at home in your own skin.
You deserve that. We deserve that.
We ALL deserve that.
When we bring the fragmented pieces back to the whole, they work as a team. The dark sides, the light sides, they sit around the table and work together for your GOOD.
Let’s let em.
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