I’m thinking about what that’s really about. The gift isn’t even fully here before I’m making up the perceived deficit in my mind, 2x over. It’s a pattern.

I know that this has to do with self-worth (I must earn my worth). I know it has to do with deserving (I don’t really deserve this). I know it has to do with a whole hell of a lot of things about rejecting abundance and love by immediately going back into giving mode so I don’t have to really, and truly sit with my value. Or with the angst and vulnerability of having and allowing myself to have.

Why? Because it’s not safe. If I allow myself to receive without immediately feeling bad, if I really let myself feel that, I’ll become a selfish ass hole. That’s the underlying fear. And that’s also where boundaries come in.

Because there is part of me that still feels it’s my job to make sure people feel their worth, and to take care of their feelings before I allow myself mine.

Instead of recognizing that they can only ever truly feel their worth within themselves, and by trying to fill that gap I am ignoring their wholeness and capability to feel their own worth, and I’m also ignoring mine.

I am ignoring the fact they didn’t ASK ME to fill that gap,
I’m just jumping into it.

So instead of just feeling the gratitude for the gift that’s there, I focus on what’s not there yet (how I’m going to make it up). This is the pattern. It is a symptom of my fundamental focus on lack, instead of what’s present.

So I set the intention to practice receiving, to allow myself to receive, to shift this deeply engrained hurtful habit.

And as per usual life is giving me ALL kinds of practice! 😣😆 OY.

It is HARD for me to let myself receive without immediately hustling to give back and give back bigger, to immediately jump from that space of plenty into lack.

But I’m gonna keep practicing it, not just because it shows myself more respect, but because it more fully respects the giver as well.

I certainly to do not give so that other people will feel indebted, obliged or entrapped. I certainly don’t want them feeling like my gifts are some kind of manipulation to ensnare them into some mind game of you-owe-me-now.

Because THAT is the real ass hole move.
So I’ll start with me on that.

I know that women in particular have a hard time with this, and the sensitive men-folk amongst us. 😉

I also know that this is DEEPLY connected to how we as women do business, and to our relationship with money and success.

Because it is like sending out a loud and clear energetic message that you are not willing to receive more than you give out — and perhaps in fact you are only willing to give out more than you receive — which, in business and money looks like always just breaking even, or barely getting by.

Because everything you do says: I refuse to accept abundance. I must earn it hard, make up for it hard, and repay it before I’ve even truly taken any in.

This doesn’t mean we stop reciprocating, and stop giving and only receive. Not at all. It just means we start truly letting the gifts we receive IN. All the way.

It just means And we finally stop viewing the abundance that’s being given as a void we must then fill, instead of as the gift that it’s intended to be.

It’s like dying of thirst and someone hands you a glass of water—but you can only see the cup. With this mindset, not only do you still need the water, but now you need to fill up their cup too.